Beginning of the Holidays

So now I have finished my exams and it's time for me to relax for the next two weeks. I hope I have myself a great time. I just want to really relax and spend it with my friends. That's all for me.

Friend of a Friend

I noticed that Luna added Emmarie on Facebook. This is just all too odd. Why? They never met each other before. I mean sure me and Luna talked once upon a time about adding Emmarie, but I never thought she actually would. Also, I remember Emmarie saying she doesn't just go accepting adds from anyone because she would want to meet and get to know them first. This doesn't make sense. Maybe I'm thinking too hard into this. Maybe i should just let it be. I just hope that this doesn't have anything to do with me. I have to stand by the fact that my friendship with Emmarie has evaporated.

Speaking of, Luna says she has a gift for me. She says it's light and custom. I'm so anxious to find out what it is. It must be real special! I hope she likes what I got her. I know it's not much. I might go out once exams are over and get her something else just to compensate. I'm so bad at Christmas shopping!

Career

I don't think I have much time left at IKEA. Yesterday, I was "suspended with pay" over alleged actions between myself and Sonia. In my head, I was laughing but still got me to thinking that it was time to start job searching again. It sucks that money is a big deal for me due to expenses. If it wasn't, I wouldn't necessarily care. But now I have to look for a job that will give me a good amount of pay for a good amount of hours to compensate. Also, I want a job that fits more into my desired field of work. I don't want to work in retail anymore. I dislike the environment a great deal. This issue between myself and Sonia will most likely be resolved next week, meaning I probably will be terminated then. I must act quickly. I've already begun applying at some banks. I must keep searching.

Goodbye and Welcome Back

So this morning, I finally decided to remove Emmarie from my list of friends. I've been thinking about this for a while. I couldn't sleep last night because the whole situation with her was on my mind. I can't take anymore. I don't think she considers me an actual friend. We'll go our separate ways, just as the vision foretold.

However as this happened, a few hours later, fate brought Luna to me while I was having lunch. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry. She said that she had been thinking about me quite a bit and regretted what happened between us. I felt the same too somewhat. Still, we decided to bury the hatchet and become friends again. Just like that, I had lost a friend and regained one. Funny how this all happens in the span of a few hours.

Hanging out with Luna for the past few hours made me feel like nothing ever happened between us. It's like the past 2 months never happened. It felt...good in a sense. So is this what's going to happen? I will lose friends and gain them back at a later time? I had a brief vision of this possibility but it seems weird.

Two Girls

I did my Sociology midterm today and boy was it ever easy. It was supposed to take two hours to do yet only took my 40 minutes. I sure hope that means I did well.

I also made another friend. I've known her for a bit since she's in the same Sociology tutorial as mine but I only just learnt her name today. Her name's Diana. She seems real nice. I hope she did well on the midterm too. I hope Brittany did as well. Speaking of Brittany, I didn't get to talk to her much since she showed up right before the exam and I finished early. I wanted to wish her a happy holiday and maybe even ask if she wanted to hang out sometime during the winter break.

So that's two girls now: Brittany and Diana. Both are Asian, 3rd year students and I assume they're both the same age. Brittany's taller though. I'd say she's like 5'4" while Diana's about 5'. Both have boyfriends (well, at least I'm going with Brittany's word that she does) so I guess I'm out of luck in both counts. Oh well. Still, it's always nice to make new friends.

Deja Vu

So about a month or so ago, me, Zoran, and Bogdan were chilling near the pool hall having another one of our random discussions. We made a joke about how funny and ridiculous it would be if a job randomly called one of us offering an interview for a job despite not having our resume and us never applying there. It was a good laugh and we concluded that the chances of that were virtually 0%. Well, Zoran got a call from CIBC for an interview at one of their branches. Now, Zoran had never applied to that branch nor do they have his resume. In fact, they didn't even tell him what the position is, but apparently it's something in his field. It struck me as odd. He remembers our joke too and feels deja vu. I mean...what are the odds? How does this happen? How were we able to fully call what was going to happen?

He told me that he's had many visions and deja vu moments this year alone. For instance, he visioned that he was going to break up with Tijana and it happened. So, I'm not alone in this. What could this possibly mean? If we're having these visions occur, what is the overall message? Is something big going to happen soon that's going to involve all of us?

Light and Dark

So I got into a bit of a fight again with Emmarie today. It was still about the money somewhat but just overall about where we stand as friends. After a bit, she told me that "whatever happens happens" and that the friendship doesn't have to end. She was upset at first but she started to understand. I apologized to her for everything and she did the same. Now, we're back on the good terms. It's odd how our friendship works. We can have a heated argument for a good week and then brush it off like it's nothing. It's mostly because of her. She's just so forgiving. I call her an angel because of that, much to her dismay. I love her a lot because of her ability to be so kind no matter what.

I still wonder how our friendship will turn out. It seems she really doesn't want it to end but is understanding if we drift apart. I guess I should accept that possibility as well. We just have totally different views on friendship. I always see her as pure light while myself as the dark. We're opposites when you look at it that way. Both cannot co-exist together for long because of their separate vibes. Even though I am darkness, I can never truly be angry at her. Likewise, no matter how much I upset her, she always forgives me. That's what makes our friendship strong.

Travels

So yesterday I went to Milton with Zoran to chill with Bogdan for the day. It was pretty nice. I had to fake sickness and call in sick at work. I feel kind of guilty but it was worth it. Milton is a very peaceful area. Definitely different from the upbeat Toronto. We stayed for about 7 hours. It was a blast! I hope we get to go there again sometime in the future.

Changes

It has been said that change can bring about the end of a friendship. For instance, if one person in a friendship changes and the other cannot adapt to that, then there will be complications. As well, if both friends change and end up going in opposite directions, it brings about the end. Is that what's happening between myself and Emmarie? There used to be a time where we talked a lot and really kept up-to-date. Now, it just doesn't seem like that. I know she's busy and I am as well. Still, is this that "change" that has been talked about? I know she's matured quite a bit in over three years and I'm happy for her. However, is there something I'm not able to adapt to why this friendship is failing? It's just so hard to tell, you know?

Writings

So I wrote Emmarie a really long letter about how I feel. I hope she reads it. I still don't think she added me back on MSN like she said she did but I guess it makes no difference. I hope she reads all of it. It might upset her or make her cry, but she has to know the truth. What will happen from this? Will this save the friendship? I doubt it. Why am I even trying to save it? If it's done, it's done, right? Maybe deep down, I just don't want it to end.

Truth

So it seems my visions have begun taking place: Emmarie is starting to slowly push me out of her life. She started by deleting me off MSN. I questioned her about it and she keeps telling me that my visions are stupid and that she's becoming scared of them. I will admit, it is somewhat surreal that they are actually happening but I can't help it. I don't determine what's going to happen. I just see them and they do. I can't tell exactly when, but it seems it's beginning earlier than I figured they would. She said she would re-add me on MSN, but she still hasn't yet. I'm not sure what will happen next, but I know the end result: Emmarie will forget about our friendship. She will forget about me. It's what's meant to happen I suppose...

Power

So Zoran's been telling me about this book he's currently reading about "48 Laws of Power." It's a list of 48 rules that if one abides by, they will be able to control and influence those around them. This seems like a very powerful tool. To be able to have to pretty much manipulate those around you without them even knowing it? I'm not so sure. He did tell me one of the laws and how it's actually working for him. He said that if you ignore someone, it will subconsciously create inside them a desire to want to talk to you. Acting like you don't want to talk to them will make them want to communicate more often? Could this even work? If so, then would it mean my situation will Sonia will have the same results? I am ignoring her at the moment at work so according to this law, she should want to talk to me.

I think I'm going to buy this book and learn about this "power." It seems a little risky though. Do I really want to control those around me? At what cost does this power have both short and long term? Manipulating others...isn't that the "power" of darkness? He also said that "nice guys finish last" and that it's all about having the "power" of control. But, what happens when you have too much power?

Broken Ice

So Luna talked to me randomly this morning. I don't know why. Just seemed to come out of nowhere with no purpose. I questioned her and she said "i just wanted to say hi." Why though? She kicked me out of her life. I told her that my life was so much better ever since the incident. She kind of turned away at that point. Maybe she wants to reunite with me? It won't be easy. She can't just boot me from her life and expect me to be so welcoming.

Kindness

So I talked more with that Brittany girl today. She seems real nice. I learnt quite a bit, like how she's doing in school, why she chose her major, and of course the fact that she has a boyfriend. Bit of a setback, but it's all good. I don't feel discouraged. I still want to develop a good friendship with her. I mean after all, we do have an entire school year in this one course to see each other so might as well. She gave me her e-mail address to add her on Facebook. Looks like I'm going to be going against my vow and re-activate my account! Oh well. Two weeks wasn't so bad, right?

Determination

I have to work much harder in school now. My midterm marks weren't all that great so I have to make up for them. I'm not worried, but I think my mom is. I have to buckle down, so to speak, and get going on this.

What will it take to get A's? Hard work, determination, motivation, focus. All these things combined. I can't allow any distractions to occur. Drama has pretty much been cut out my life. I no longer have to deal with drama from most of my friends. I haven't even seen them anyways.

Dewland

Last night, I had a dream about Dewland, my old friend from high school. I miss that guy. We were pretty close. He hasn't hung out with us since 2006. I still don't know his reason. It's like he fell off the face of the earth. I've bumped into him once after that, but that was it. What happened to him?

Anyways, in the dream I saw him, but he looked upset, mainly at me. I know that all this time, I've been blaming myself for what has happened to him. I still do. I feel like there was something I could've done, but what? I was the only one he could talk on a personal level to. If only I could've done more for him. Maybe things would have been different.

Vow

It's been one week since I deactivated my Facebook account. I can't believe I've gone that long without it. Before, I used to be so obsessed with it. Not anymore. Ever since the fight I had with Luna. I feel like I've changed a bit and grown up a little. I need to look into this a bit more.

As for the account, I won't stay off forever. Instead, I've made myself a promise: I will not re-activate my Facebook account until I get a girlfriend. Who knows how long that will take, but I feel that is the appropriate route.

Beautiful Girl

I told you about the girl in my Sociology class, right? Her name's Brittany. I talked to her for a bit today while in class and on the way to the bus stop. She's a third year student majoring in Human Rights. I assume she's like 20 years old. She actually doesn't live too too far from York. She had to do a presentation today. She sounded a little nervous, but I think she did quite well. She has such a pretty smile though. Do I have a crush on her? That's crazy talk, isn't it? I shouldn't, especially so soon, right? Who knows...guess we'll see next week then.

Separations

When I really sit and think about it, the only friends I talk to on a regular basis are Zoran and Bogdan. Now that Luna is out of the picture for now, I really don't have anyone else. Emmarie only sees me as a "school friend" so talking to her is a rare thing. I haven't even seen Irina since May. I don't consider Sonia a friend anymore because I know she doesn't consider me one. It's odd. In this past month alone, there have been so many changes in my circle of friends. In one swift notion, all has been revealed. I feel like I'm drifting away from them.

I'm not worried though. After all, I am used to being the lone wolf always fighting battles alone. If they remember me, they'll come to me. As for Luna, who knows what will happen with that.

At It Again

Dang! I bunned with the guys last night. Haha. Well, the two month period was good while it lasted. Oh well. This was just a one-time thing, especially with all that's been happening to me these past few weeks. It's always a blast hanging out with those two. Zoran seems to be moving on from his incident quite well. I'm happy for him.

The Good Times

You know, it's weird. I don't even feel depressed over what happened between me and Luna. Normally, I'd be really down about it and dwell on the topic. Instead, I find myself smiling and not giving it much thought. Why is that? Am I a Heartless for not thinking about this? No...I don't think so. I think that this incident is still there in my heart, but I choose to think about the good times. Me and Luna shared a lot of good times together and we had our share of laughs. I will always remember us as siblings who would go out and have fun. We would always be there for each other and always listen to what we each had to say. We helped each other during our darkest of times and always came out with a smile. I'll always remember her vibrant smile and attitude.

I will try not to be sad about this whole thing. It's probably for the best that I stay out of her life. Who knows...maybe our paths will cross again someday. Maybe we can re-establish that sibling relationship again. I won't get my hopes up, but I feel that the possibility is still there. Until then, I'll hold on to the memories of the good times.

Messed Up

I completely messed things up this time. Now, it seems like it's over between me and Luna. I won't go into details, but let's just say that it ended up hurting her. I can't believe it. Just yesterday during the day we had one of the best outings and last night everything just went upside down. I can't believe myself. Honestly, I can't. I guess things just won't ever be the same again...

Midterm Frenzy

I finished my midterms finally! I had three in the span of a week. What torture! At least it've all over now and I can sort of relax for a while until December. Man, I hope I do well on them all. I studied as much as I could!

Bored

I am so tired of playing DotA. I know that is what Zoran, Bogdan, and I have been playing for over a year now. It was all cool at first but now it's just so repetitive. In fact, a lot of stuff we do now is pretty repetitive. In fact, a lot of stuff we do has become so routine. I know that the best fun is with friends, but would it hurt to try something new?

If only I got to chill with all my friends often enough. Other than the Mans on Board, I only really get to see Luna often. I hardly see Emm, Irina, and others. They're all too busy or with other friends. What a bore. This is why having a girlfriend is so convenient!

Received

Wow! I never thought the letter to Emm would reach so quickly. As I thought, she was shocked that I bought her the gift card! Well, I'm glad she's happy. She called me " 'good' friend from school." I wonder why she'd put quotations over the "good." Maybe she has troubles calling me a "good friend" after all. Well, it's okay. I've accepted my role. I won't be depressed over it. I can only hope that one day I'll fit in that category.

Argh!!! I still have a Business Law midterm to do in a few hours! Then I have to stay up super late again to do a Finance assignment! I really need to learn time management!!

Gift

I mailed Emm a letter. It's a birthday card along with a $100 gift card from Marciano. It's some female clothing store she told me about some time ago. I know she'll be upset that I went out of my way, but hey it's her birthday so I have to. Even if I'm just a "school friend" to her, to me, she's a best friend. I mailed it now so hopefully it will reach her by Monday.

But I can't think about this too much. I have to stay up late and study for my Business Law midterm! Ahhhh! Will I have to do an all-nighter?

Bad Incident

So I've been talking to Kat for the past couple of days now. I've got to learn quite a bit about her, which is good. She goes to the same university as me and Luna so at least I can have the opportunity to see her more often.

I saw a few old pics of her from three years ago. It was her with Luna and Louville, happy as can be. I asked her about the "incident" and why she is not close to them anymore and she told me. It was no different than Luna's version so at least there's consistency. I feel bad. I mean, she knows she's wrong for what she did and all but still...that was a few years ago. Don't people forgive and forget? It's bothersome because they all live under the same roof. They do talk to each other, but not as closely as before. I don't know how I would be able to survive in such an environment.

If only there was something I could do to unite the three again. Heh. Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. After all, it's none of my business, right?

The Other Girl

As I have mentioned, there's another girl who lives at Luna's house. She's an exchange student from Japan, which is interesting because her ethnicity is Filipino. Her name is Kathleen, or Kat for short. I've "met" her twice, as in I briefly saw her at Luna's house. She stays in her room for the most part. I've never seen the three together at the same time. Odd. She's lived there for about three years now. Is there something I don't know?

I asked Luna about it and she said they were all close until some incident happened about a year or two ago with changed things. What was the incident? You know what? I'm going to message Kat on Facebook and say "hi." I won't bring up the incident yet. I'll just do casual talk for now.

Siblings

I've been spending a lot of time with Luna recently. I don't know why. Maybe because our bond has become so much closer? We tell each other everything. She sees me as a big brother figure. I've been an only child my whole life. I don't know if I can do this! Still, I feel so touched that I finally have a younger sister. It's touching because I always think about how I was supposed to have a sister, but she died while still inside my mother. Now I have Luna. Maybe this is a blessing from God?

I care about Luna a great deal. Such a sweet girl. She's been through some rough times these past few months, especially with that ex of hers. I've been there as much as possible for her because I know she needs that. Still, she manages to keep a smile on her face and carry on. I'm happy she has that strength!

I also got to meet her older sister, Louville. She's also nice! They say I've been adopted into their family. Funny! Still...there's one more girl who lives in that household, and I want to learn more about her.

Sore!

I AM SO SORE! Yesterday, I had a workout with a personal trainer from Extreme Fitness. He pushed me to limits and beyond and now I can barely walk! From head to toe I'm in so much pain!! "No pain, no gain?" I see what they mean!!! OW!

Break Up

Zoran and Tijana broke up today apparently. I can't believe this! They had three good years and yet now it's all over. I don't know all the details yet, but I'm sure it can't be good. What happened? First Luna's break up and now this! I hope he's okay.

"School Friend"

So it's Thanksgiving Day and I spent most of it with Luna. We went out for lunch and I went to her house afterwards. During this time, however, I got into a little bit of an argument with Emm.

Still a bit upset over how at times I feel that she tends to forget about me despite all we've been through, we got to talking about that subject again through text messages. Then she said something that totally threw me off. She said that we were "just school friends." I couldn't believe what she just said. Honestly, after all I've done for her. After all she's done for me. She doesn't even consider me a "good friend" or "best friend?" That ruined my day and I guess the argument ruined hers as well.

I offered to not speak to her again until the end of the year because we obviously have our differences, but she refused that, saying that the idea's so stupid and there's no point to it. Still, I can't let go what she said. She tried to change it around after by saying "good school friend," but she can't go back on the original words. I don't know what to think...

Too Busy

Why is Emm always so busy? I understand that she has a lot on her plate at the moment. That much is obvious. But I mean, just to meet up and say "hi" or anything like that. Why is this so difficult? She is able to make time for those other friends of hers. What does she thinkg of me? We had a bit of an argument as she said "don't push it." What does that mean? That she's threatening to walk away from a 3-year friendship because I honestly feel that we're not as close as I had hoped? This is so confusing!

Back to the Gym

I can't believe myself. I was somehow convinced to get a membership at Extreme Fitness. It costs so much money, but I feel that I have gotten so out of shape in recent months. I have to regain the shape I had from a few years back so I can feel good about myself. Luna has a member ship here too so maybe we'll end up working out together or something!

Saddened

I still feel bummed about the whole "visions" thing. Why do I still have them? Why do I feel like I'm going to leave this world soon? I feel like I'll just be forgotten by everyone. Maybe that's how it should be. Sometimes when like this, you feel like no one is really close with you as you had originally thought and hoped.

Pictures

I've only realized that I don't have too many pictures with my friends. I have lots with the Mans on Board of course, but other than that: nothing. None with Emm, none with Luna, none with Irina, and others. That's no good. I mean, what will I use for memories? A picture's worth so much.

I asked them for pictures and they all agreed somewhat. But I wonder when I'll be able to get them. I mean, what if I don't have much time left? I still feel that my time is almost up. If I don't get these pictures, I fear that I'll have to carry regrets with me.

The Girl in Sociology Class

OMG! I met a beautiful girl in my Sociology class! Her name is Brittany. She just has the most adoreable looks I have ever seen! Okay okay I've probably said that so many times. But wow! She seems real friendly. I introduced myself to her so she at least knows my name. I wonder if she's single though. I guess I have to figure that out soon.

I hope I don't get all obsessive over this one girl like I did in the past with others.

Visions

Lately, I've been having some weird visions. I know this'll sound crazy, but I honestly see myself dying in about a year from now. I know it's depressing, but I can't shake them out. I feel as if everything is going to come to an end. Emm said to just ignore them because if I think about them too much, they will happen. I hope she's right. Maybe it is nothing, but nonetheless I still need to analyze them in order to find out their true meaning.

Tears

Emmarie was on the phone with me just now. She was crying. I had talked to her about the money she owed me and how I honestly don't think she'll be able to pay me back. I know it's hard for her because she didn't want to just take the money in the first place. I had to help her out, though. If not, she wouldn't be in school right now. I know it's a major hit to her pride, but I'm not angry at her nor do I think any less of her. I have no regrets for what I did. I'm just glad I was able to help her out. That's all.

Cancellations

I can't believe it! Julie cancelled on me. How could she do that? After all the talking and the planning, it comes down to her saying "something came up. What's the problem?" How cruel!

I guess some things are not meant to be, eh? It's a real bummer though. I can't help but feel so icky about the whole thing. I can't let this deter my focus though, no matter how depressing it may be.

Shopping Spree

So I finally received the t-shirts that Emm bought for me! Honestly, that’s so sweet of her. She said it was a small “thank you” for all I’ve done for her. She didn’t have to go through all this trouble, though. I know money’s kind of tight for her.

Later that evening, I went with Luna to Fairview Mall to buy some more clothes. I ended up spending over $300 on two sweaters, a pair of jeans, and cologne! My God! I've never spent so much on clothes at one time before!

Oh and I still can't think of any good date ideas!! What a drag!

Date

So, I have a date this Friday, and it’s with a beautiful girl named Julie! I’ve never met her in person. In fact, I met her online, but she seems like a real nice person. I think I can get along quite well with her.

Oh and Emm texted me telling me that she bought me two t-shirts from American Eagle. OMG! That was so sweet of her. I can’t wait to receive them tomorrow!

The First Day of School

Well, this is it. The first day of school. My final year at York University. I hope I’m ready for this! I plan to graduate next year so I must study and work hard at everything!

I hope you are ready as well, Emm! Let’s succeed together, shall we?